BPM Humor

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The Lighter Side of BPM

In the course of working with prospects, vendors, and other consulting companies we hear some pretty funny things. Since everyone needs a good laugh now and then we decided to share the humor.

By the way, if you recognize yourself in any of these quotes please contact us. We can help you move from the jokes page to our testimonials page.

Prospects:

"We don't need help with our BPM project, we have plenty of time."

"We don't need help with our BPM project, we have plenty of people."

(editor: Sounds like the old one about enough monkeys with enough typewriters and enough time being able to recreate Shakespeare's plays. Without expert guidance you will end up wasting alot of valuable people's valuable time.)

"We are interviewing implementation firms to help with our vendor selection project."

(editor: Well, aside from the fact that implementation firms are obviously biased towards the products they implement and have limited knowledge of anything else, how can you select an implementation firm if you don't know what product you will ultimately be implementing?)

"We are very interested in BPM and see the value. Call me back in two years to discuss moving forward."

(editor: I hope you are still around in two years because your competition is moving forward with BPM today.)

"Help me find a tool for IT to use to build a budgeting solution."

(editor: Doesn't sound funny to you? You must be a tools vendor. There are so many excellent packaged budgeting applications available today why would anyone attempt to build one from scratch?)

"We're all set. Our Excel budgeting system is working just fine."

(editor: I would check for drugs in that company's coffee machine.)

"We are trying to decide between Applix and SRC. What do you guys think?"

(editor: This and many other questions like it can be found in the various BI chat rooms. I sleep well at night knowing this is how corporate America goes about selecting its' software.)

"We have selected a consultant who is expert in our industry to help with our BPM project."

(editor: That's great. Now there are two of you expert in your industry, but who knows BPM?)

Vendors/Consultants:

"Our product is so easy to use you won't need any training or consulting."

(editor: This is a bad sign: either a product without any real functionality or a salesman without any real scruples.)

"... the innovative thought leader in performance management software"

"... the global leader in business performance management software"

"... the acknowledged leader in the performance management category"

"... the world leader in .. corporate performance management"

"... the leader in providing .. corporate performance management"

(editor: Five different vendors, all claiming to be the leader in performance management. Funny thing is, according to Gartner there are no leaders yet.)

Contest: Think you can name the five vendors quoted above? Submit your guess here. The first two winning submissions will receive BPM Partners t-shirts. When the contest is over all entrants will be notified of the correct answer.

"I am having trouble downloading some of the free BPM information on your site. I have a customer paying me to help with selecting a budgeting package and need these materials today. Can you help me?"

(editor: Always glad to help out a fellow consultant while you 'borrow' our materials. I feel sorry for your customer though. Those materials are only the tip of the iceberg of knowledge needed to do BPM right.)

"... is a Corporate Performance Management consulting company"

"... the Corporate Performance Management experts"

"... delivers Corporate Performance Management solutions"

(editor: A few months ago these same consulting firms proudly touted their Hyperion or Cognos implementation services. Now they are CPM experts. They even go so far as to hide their software partners on their site to appear objective. We here at BPM Partners, the real performance management experts, are flattered.)

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